As my daughter and I were doing some last-minute shopping before she heads off to grad school, we had a conversation that went a little like this:
“Momma,” she said.
“Yes, bear cub,” I said.
“If you come across any homes for your column that seem like they would be really great to lead people to their death, let me know. I would like to see the layout.”
“Absolutely, my darling angel,” I said. “Anything to help you out.”
Along with being a film student, my daughter is also a dungeon master (DM) in the game Dungeons and Dragons.(D&D for short.) You roll dice, the characters in your party make decisions on what to do, you roll dice again to see if you are successful and then the DM creates a story where you die a horrible, yet humorous, death, and then everyone laughs.
The next day I found her not one, but two houses that would easily fit her needs.
This ominous-looking home is located at 5 Spring Creek Road in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania. This 1862 grist mill is on the market for $435,000. The first-floor apartment has two bedrooms and two bathrooms and is colorfully described by the listing agent as “livable.”
Now if you were playing the game D&D, this would be the room where the players spend too much time trying to escape. A foreboding wall of baby gates blocks their path and only opens if they can solve a puzzle.
”Go ahead and roll an Intelligence check to see if you can get a hint…” the DM says. “Oh, you got a 15? Wonderful!” The baby gates slide open and you see a staircase beyond them. “This is easy!” the players say. Ha ha…
You enter what looks like a hydraulic-dam-powered torture chamber guarded by a lone swan automaton. Roll a Stealth check to see if it notices you … uh oh, a 3? The swan turns to look at you with its cold, beady eyes and honks with the voice of a thousand lost souls.
Roll initiative!
In reality, the building was a former grist mill and still has a creek running through the bottom of the house. The listing says you could put cold drinks in the water to keep them cool. Really?
Now let us assume the D&D characters are not able to overcome the demon goose so they create new characters and the DM creates another scenario for them at 201 West Penn Street, Bedford, Pennsylvania.
This home boasts six bedrooms and one bathroom and the asking price is $324,900. Back to the game, though.
The characters get lured in by the authentic charm and woodworking that make up the interior of the home.
Roll me a Perception check, will you? Ooh, a Natural 20! Awesome — you hear voices wailing from below. You decide to investigate.
You are intensely disappointed when you go down the stairs and learn the wailing people are in fact ghosts forever locked in the prison cells attached to this house. Our characters are once again killed.
Womp, womp.
On the upside, the characters got to see some decent artwork and had more than one toilet to use before they met their fate and the hand of the DM.
When it comes to these two homes, I think Monty Python has the best idea. If our D&D characters had followed their example they would have survived the game.
