Drunk Elves Played a Role in This Vermont DIY Home-Building Kit

We are far away enough from Christmas that you can start to see what gifts people received without them actually telling you. I will give you an example. Santa left a friend of mine a Bedazzler™ under her tree. Now, her dog’s leash is bedazzled. The dog’s collar is bedazzled. The dog is bedazzled. There is zero chance of this four-legged friend ever getting hit by a car because he is a reflective, bedazzled masterpiece.

I am sorry but Wynonna Judd is the epitome of cool. Of course her undergarments are bedazzled. I digress.

It does not take great detective skills to figure out that the house featured in this week’s column was once a gift under someone’s tree. By that I mean it was a “do-it-yourself” home kit. Boy howdy did these folks embrace the idea of building this house. 

Between you, me, and the lamp post, not everyone is meant to build a house — even if it comes from Santa. 

This “piece of Killington architectural history” has four bedrooms, four-and-a-half bathrooms, and is located at 607 Rim Road, Killington, Vermont. The home is 3,274 square feet and it sits on a quarter acre. The owners are asking $425,000.

As you can see, the DIY home-building kit did not include the instructions. I have a feeling that these are the types of folks that would never have any screws left over after putting something back together.  That is why every shingle and every window was used in building this home. 

“Oh I’ll just eyeball it. It will be fine.” You know what else is fine? Attaching the handles that belong on the outside to the interior of your front doors that are not the same size.

I know Mr. Bear. It confuses me too.

“The red shag carpet immediately says it is time for fun.” Oh, it is saying a lot more than that. Nothing says home like a stripper pole in your living room. The description calls it a fire pole but come on now, we are all over the age of 21. 

Then there is the swing. Get your mind out of the gutter. It is not that kind of swing. This swing should be attached to the tree outside as opposed to hanging in your formal sitting area. But when you do not have building instructions, everything gets used.

The pièce de résistance is the chandelier.

Empty wine bottles pair perfectly with a Formica tabletop.

Okay, I am running out of space so we are going straight to the doorways.

I think Santa’s elves were the ones that emptied those wine bottles, and as a result, put doorways that belong on a “build your own submarine kit” in the house kit. Imagine going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you have to step over every doorway.

I dare say, the only thing that could help this house at this point is a Bedazzler. Where is Santa when you need him?

For more photos go here.