Once upon a time, there was a happy couple that was looking to buy a home.
“Now honey, a man’s home is his castle and I want to buy a castle,” he said in his deepest, burliest voice.
“A castle? Noooo. I was hoping for a cute little cottage that is warm and cozy,” she said in her most feminine whine as she twirled her hair around her index finger and popped her gum.
Back and forth the couple continued until he put his foot down.
“I’m the king of the castle and it’s a castle I shall have,” he said.
“Fine,” she said. Fine was all she said.
“Look baby, how about this? You can decorate my castle any way you want. You can make it all cozy and stuff,” he said.
“Any way I want? Really?” she replied.
“You bet shugah,” he said in his most patronizing way completely disregarding the sarcasm in her voice. “Anything to keep the little lady happy.”
Little did he know that this would not end well for him.
After much searching, he found his castle, which is located at 378 Broadway #9W, Ulster Park, New York. It has six bedrooms, four bathrooms, and it is almost 6,000 square feet in size. The owners are asking $499K.
“Isn’t it great, baby! You can be my saucy serving wench” he said beaming with pride. Her reply was predictable.
As she was promised, she was given free rein to decorate the castle to her liking. He very much underestimated her affinity for the 1980s and her overall desire to bring the pain down upon those that have displeased her.
“Pastels. I didn’t know they made pastel-colored linoleum and wow, three square skylights. I guess one wasn’t enough …” he said as his voice trailed off.
The kitchen and dining room truly flummoxed him.
“Parquet flooring on the ceiling and the floor and stone linoleum in the dining room, sweetie?” he said. It was not so much of a question as the realization of where he had gone wrong in the assessment of his betrothed.
She was indeed not “fine” with his castle purchase.
“I had to go to two different shops to find that shade of tile. Isn’t it rad, honey?”
“Come on baby, let’s go look at where the king of the castle will be laying his head.”
Sorry meant nothing to her. She had the scent of fear and it only made her stronger.
“I have a great idea, sweetie,” he said as a single tear ran down his face. “How about we put this old place on the market and find something else? A cottage maybe.”
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