For loyal Wednesday WTF readers, you may recall that last year, around Christmas, we at WTF headquarters happened upon a certain section of the Tiffany & Co. website that uh, caused us to hit the pause button.
On a whim, we checked back this year, and sure enough, there’s new stuff. I mean, of course, there’s new stuff. If you’re the target audience for the “Price Is No Object” offerings from Tiffany, you’ve played with your sterling-silver Legos and figured out that a $9,000 ball of silver yarn is about as useful as you’d imagine a ball of yarn that costs as much as a Kia Rio would be, and well, you’re ready for new stuff.
And we are here for that. I mean, rest assured that as journalists, we have zero dollars for any of this stuff, but we are here for this because seriously, we are so down for seasonal WTFery.
By the by, that useless ball of yarn is still on the list, despite being tagged as having limited availability last year, which likely means that even if the price is no object, you don’t want a cat toy that costs the same as a trip to the ER for a toddler’s ear infection.
Are you ready to see what you can buy if your toilet paper is made of actual $100 bills? Jump with me, won’t you?
This is a mother-flippin’ mohair teddy bear with a silver heart Tiffany tag. But if you’re thinking, “What separates this from Build-A-Bear?” you are probably not aware that the difference is you will spend $400 for this bear, and it will only feel like you spent $400 at Build-a-Bear after the bear, the damned outfit, and your pain and suffering.
Too cheap for a $400 mohair bear that will still be susceptible to dust mites and the ravages of time just the same? Go to Build-A-Bear hahahahaha just kidding, pay cash money for this bear instead, because are you some philistine? No. No, you are not. You’re a grown human with a $400 teddy bear that you can’t even cuddle.
And to add insult to injury, I looked it up and you can buy a real live mohair-producing Angora goat from anywhere from $175 to $550, which introduces a scenario where you could produce a nearly infinite number of damned bears.
That’s just economics.
This is a sterling silver birds nest that holds three Tiffany blue porcelain eggs.
“An expertly crafted bird’s nest pays tribute to the Tiffany legacy of designing fine silver goods,” the copy reads. “Handcrafted in a New York City workshop by Tiffany artisans, this whimsical design was inspired by a 1969 engagement ad from the Tiffany Archives. Woven from delicate strands of sterling silver and housing three custom Tiffany Blue® porcelain eggs, this design transforms an ordinary object into an extraordinary sterling silver piece.”
This nest costs $10,000. Ten Thousand American Dollars. That’s like $3,000 per egg and $1,000 for the nest. Or $3,000 for the nest and $2,000 per egg. I’m kind of too stunned to do Nest Algebra here, but for $40 I will spray paint the starling nest that has been sitting on my back porch light since last Spring, and drop three fresh brown eggs in it. Venmo or Paypal. I got you.
But guys, I saved the best for last.
You see this? DO YOU SEE THIS? ARE YOU SEEING THIS WITH YOUR EYES?
It is, in fact, a greenhouse. But that’s not aluminum or chrome. That, friends, is a sterling silver greenhouse.
And it costs almost as much as the median price for a single-family home in Dallas, clocking in at $275,000.
But wait wait wait wait. Did you think at that price it was an actual greenhouse you could use? I mean, sure, putting a sterling freakin’ silver greenhouse in the elements would be the height of stupids, but you know, I’ve not been rich ever so maybe this is the same as leaving your trampoline out to the elements — no big deal and really you’re too tired to drag it back in.
No. No. Let me show you another picture, for scale.
DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM? You’re spending $275K on a greenhouse you can’t even put a flower pot in. Just in case you’re wondering, it’s official measurements are 20 inches wide, not quite 27 inches long, and almost 18 inches high.
“Built over the course of nine months and nearly 1,000 hours in the Tiffany hollowware workshop, this luxurious design brings unexpected Tiffany style to any space,” the company says. Nine months. THAT’S LIKE A WHOLE BABY, y’all.
So, there you go. Another Christmas, another WTF where we stand and point at all of these crazy spendy, price-is-no-object items. If you’re feeling generous, you can send me the greenhouse. Or an angora goat.
Happy Holidays.
