
There has been a lot of completely weird things about living in a pandemic Dallas. People buying up all the toilet paper for no good reason. The fact that my neighbor has taken this “we’re not going anywhere so pants are optional” thing a little too far. The fact that it takes a psychic and a limber refresh finger to schedule a grocery delivery.
But just when you get used to weird being the new normal, someone does something that is just plain so illogical that they become fodder for the Wednesday WTF.
And so, today we’re going to talk about the City of Dallas’ plan for alleviating crowds at the Katy Trail while we’re all supposed to be six feet apart from each other at least, and some of you have no idea how big six feet is.

So first, let me explain: Six feet is how deep they put your coffin in the ground when you don’t stay at least six feet apart from everyone during a pandemic.
So picture a graveside service, picture the hole and how deep it is, and then stay that far away from everyone.

You know what is all the way away from everyone? Your own house, and your own neighborhood. If you don’t live along the Katy Trail, walk your own dang neighborhood. Walk the Northaven Trail, which is long, strong, and down to get the fric… sorry, different discussion.
Now, while the city has been reluctant to close off access to the trail completely because they know the murder rate will go high if people can’t get outside and not near whoever they’re living with, they apparently have been attacking the old hat racks on their necks for a solution, since, again, people apparently haven’t read that one story with the graphic about how much sweat you’re flinging when you run.
And well, this is what they came up with. You ready? Please sit down because it’s really dumb and you might get lightheaded and now is not the time to need an ER.
Basically, it’s a Katy Trail Sweet Sweat Free For All Monday through Wednesday. On Thursdays and Saturdays, you can use the trail if your last name starts with A through L. If you’re an M-Z, you can use the trail on Fridays and Sundays.

This dumb burns and there’s no aloe to be had because there’s no hand sanitizer so everyone bought up all the ding danged aloe to make their own.
See, for one, how do they know this will evenly distribute the usage on the trail? They don’t. In fact, the Wall Street Journal did a study of voters that indicates that on a national basis, 64% of all voters have an A through M name.
But this also brings up a whole slew of other issues. One, enforcement —who’s carding these not-math majors? When 200 people are in one chunk of the trail, are park rangers going to stop all these sweat-flingers and say, “Oh, excuse me, I’m going to need you to prove your last name starts with an A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, or M?”

And what about the fact that it forgets that not everyone in a home has the same last name? Maybe I, a D, didn’t take my husband’s name, an O. Maybe I’m living in sin with my Z girlfriend. Maybe I’m a Q guy and I want to take a walk with my G stepson.
I mean, sure, in all those scenarios you could just join the general fluid dispersing Dallas crowds Monday through Wednesday, but what if it’s the freakin’ weekend? What if I want to avoid the aerosol emissions of hundreds of trail users and am lucky enough to have an N-Z name, but the rest of the people I live with have A-Ms, and I hate to run alone?
I’m no genius (even on a good day), but maybe the answer isn’t just posting up a list of great trails and parks, but actually telling people, “If you live here, go to this trail, it’s not used as much, and you’re going to be safer. Leave Katy Trail (for now) for the people who live around it.”
Same with White Rock Lake.
In conclusion, if you live in a neighborhood and need to get your run/walk/bike/rollerblade on in Dallas, do it there. Thanks to all this social distancing, the residential streets are actually pretty safe to jog on. If you don’t live in a neighborhood with enough residential streets for a good run, consider a less crowded trail. Bachman Lake has a great one. There’s the aforementioned Northaven Trail. There are also amazing historic districts where you could easily find a place to park and take a gorgeous stroll or run.
You don’t gotta go to the Katy Trail, chickens, so don’t.
Want to read more WTFery? Click here.